What I'm Looking For
by Darkchanter
Summary: A short, one-shot through the eyes of K.C. reflecting on his life in the Zen garden. Mention of past Klare and larger mention of EClare. This is NOT a K.C./Clare romance. Also, guest appearance of a certain ex Degrassi student. Details have been added!


**Hey guys, this is actually the second time I wrote this one shot after the first time was so popular. All I did was fix it up and make it a little longer with more intense details and a deeper emotional backbone. I loved all of the reviews and favorites I got, and for this being my first fanfiction ever I was pleasantly surprised! Thank you so much!**

**Disclaimer: Of course, I own nothing but the thoughts in my head.**

I saw her walking down the hall as I sat in the Zen garden during my spare; she was arm-in-arm with a guy, Adam I think, laughing and smiling as if nothing else even mattered. I chuckled slightly as they tried to step in time together, crossing one leg over the other, as if they were in the Wizard of Oz or something. If you looked at them from afar, I guess you would call them immature; they were two kids playing during the middle of school, nothing more, nothing less. How irresponsible; though, I shouldn't be talking, right? It was weird, seeing two people be so utterly ridiculous; that never happens, not at Degrassi. How come they get to be so juvenile when there are real kids dealing with real life problems everyday? What makes them so privileged? Suddenly, and almost expectedly, Clare tripped over their own clumsiness and fell on her butt; of course, the two burst out laughing, not caring who saw their blatant display of nonconformity. How stupid…

But, sometimes I wish I could be like that, you know? Not really caring who or what passes through my life, or how I'm going to handle the next drama filled day. It was silly really, childish even; I mean, you'd never catch me doing something like that. But, the more I watched them converse in the hall, Clare on the floor and Adam kneeling beside her, the more I wanted to be apart of that. Well, I was apart of that, at least, at some point I was. Whatever happened to that time? What happened to _that _kid? People change I guess, and I've grown up.

"Graceful as ever, huh Clare?" A guy walked up from out of my line of sight and offered a hand to help her up. It was kind of strange, Adam I understand Clare hanging out with, but this guy? He was… bad news; at least, that was my first impression. I've seen him around though, messing with Fitz and writing some emo poetry crap after school on the front steps; he just doesn't seem like the type to warm up to a sweet girl like Clare. He's probably just a rebound though… I mean, Clare's too good for him.

Immediately though, Clare took his hand and was pulled up with ease into this gothboy's arms. I don't think anyone else would have noticed it if they didn't already know Clare, but she stayed there, in his arms, for a split second longer than needed. "Shut up, Eli…" Eli, so that was his name. I think I like gothboy better…

Clare took a step back and watched as Eli and Adam did a type of arm bump and exchanged pleasantries. They all seemed so cozy with each other… No bestfriends kissing boyfriends or boyfriends cheating on girlfriends; they're just a ragtag team of misfits and as cliché as this sounds, I kind of wanted in on it.

Why couldn't I have been happy with Clare? She's smart, funny, and damn pretty too. I looked up quickly, almost as if I was doing something wrong, and glanced at her figure and found myself drawn to her shorter hair; it was unconventional and sweet, like her. I sighed slightly to myself as my eyes dropped to the ground and I ran a hand through my messy hair; she always stuck up for me and believed in my abilities, as well as her own. She was strong, and caring. Why wasn't that enough? Then, I saw it. I saw the reason why I was never supposed to be with Clare from the beginning.

As Adam and Clare tried once again to cross legs and walk in time, Eli stayed back and watched with a smirk. He seemed to be a supervisor of sorts, watching the kids play, and pretending to not enjoy himself with an eye roll or a scoff. But, we all knew he was. The way he watched them, no, the way he watched Clare, it was like he was just waiting for her to fall again, all so he could pick her up and kiss the pain away. It was during the time when Adam was looking down at his feet that Clare glanced around her shoulder and smiled wide for Eli; almost as if it was a secret message just between the two. Her body language said it all; the way her shoulder rolled forward, her head tilting to the side, or just the way her hand brushed the outline of her hip so his eyes would be drawn to her curve. These were all subconscious things; Clare didn't do these things on purpose, and she certainly didn't want to be considered a flirt, but she just didn't seem to understand that innocence like hers is something rare and that guys like Eli find… attractive. Surprisingly, I didn't feel all that shocked. Gothboy smiled back and winked at her, laughing as she wobbled with lack of balance.

It all came together for me. All the pieces fit and I realized something that I probably should have realized from day one. I was a terrible boyfriend. All I ever wanted from Clare was her support for me; the strong, caring girl that told me I was "a good guy," and that I my past didn't matter. I needed her to be my voice of reason and pull me out of the darkness. Did I ever once try and support her? Did I ever try and fight her own darkness? No… I never was her pillar, her warrior. I'm sure she had problems of her own; she's only human. Everyone has issues, who am I to say my problems were more important than hers? I had these crazy expectations from Clare that I shouldn't have expected from a girlfriend. I put this undeniable pressure on Clare to always be there for me, day or night, and here I was thinking about trying to win her back. I was so stupid… What was I thinking?

I looked back once more at Eli and saw him grab her bag from off the floor. He followed them down the corridor, called out to them, and began talking about some type of concert coming up.

"Hey, I know concerts aren't really your thing, and you couldn't come to the Dead Hand concert last time…" He trailed off looking over at Adam with a wink. He replied with an enthusiastic thumbs up and Eli shook his head in slight embarrassment for his friend, "But I scored you some Fratellis tickets in two weeks and I was-"Suddenly, he had an ecstatic Clare wrapped around his neck, hugging him to death.

"Are you kidding me?" She was practically breathless after all the excitement, "you're coming with me, right?" The pleading in her eyes was almost too much. She looked… adorable. I laughed slightly as the memories flooded back as to when I faced those eyes. Yet right now, seeing her so close to Eli, I felt a strange sense of calm.

A sly smile spread over Eli's lips as he looked down at her and took a nonchalant step back, looking at the ceiling, "ehh, I don't know, It's not really my _style_." He was responded with a whack on the chest and a giggle from Clare.

That was it. That was my problem. I never would have done the little things for her. Getting tickets to a concert wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I didn't even know she liked the Fratellis. That's not what boyfriends do… I looked once more at Eli and saw how he looked at Clare; it was like she was the only one in the world; like, if Jessica Biel walked by, Eli wouldn't even look up. I never looked at Clare like that. I never looked at any girlfriend like that. But if I wasn't looking for a girlfriend in Clare, what was I looking for?

The trio walked away without even a glance in my direction. I guess it was for the best really, I mean, what would have happened if they caught me practically stalking them down the hall? My life sucked enough as it is, I didn't need any more enemies.

Looking over to my right, I saw a framed picture of a guy who looked about my age, possibly a year older. "James Tiberius Yorke…" the plaque was cold gold, and it read "1989-2006." I never really noticed till now the dedication of the Zen garden to this J.T. guy, "I come here a lot…I guess you know my whole story." I placed the picture down and chuckled a little, if this guy really listened to me whine because of all the times I came here to think, then he knew me better than anyone, "I've never had a brother before, let alone a dead one…" I leaned back against the cool stone and looked at the picture as if it were alive, "well have at it then, if you know me so well, why am I still interested in Clare?"

Silence, of course. As time passed I began to mull over everything I saw with Eli and Clare, everything that has happened in my life, and all the possibilities that will happen. My mom came back, and it wasn't entirely bad. But ever since she was put in jail, she was always the bad guy. Always the one who I blamed for everything going wrong in my life; she messed me up, she hurt me, she scarred me. Then I met Clare, this sweet, innocent girl who was strong and pushed me to be better… She cared and wasn't afraid of my threats or anger. She was my voice of reason. Maybe I wasn't looking for a girlfriend in Clare, maybe I was looking for a mother.

I looked over at the J.T. memorial and ran my hand across the cool stone, it was oddly refreshing, "thanks, man. I owe you…"


End file.
